Its a Jungle out There!!!

The group stalks the target...everyone takes his position...heart beat increases as the adrenaline level reaches its zenith...the only sound they can hear now is the slow and steady breathing...the target heads towards the location...the group has an eye contact and the silent signals are passed...there is no room for error...everything has to go according to the plan or the consequences will be grave...

The challenge here is to look casual...everyone has to justify his position...why he is there??? maybe he is asking for help...some sport casual talks...some are busy helping others...always distracting the "potential threats" from the target...this is essential for a good kill...the secondary senses take care of this...whereas the primary ones concentrate on the mark...this breed has developed these senses over weeks, months and years of preying!!!

And then it all begins...
The moment the target unloads his goods at the location everyone gets in motion...the plan is simple and clear...be fast, swift and take as much as you can...the sudden noise alerts the others...the "potential threats"... to the groups kill... but its too late for them...
The team returns with the kill...the loot is satisfactory and will get them through the week...
Never has the hunt for chips and biscuits so sophisticated and complicated...
Welcome to the jungle of Software Industry!!!

Well...the above mentioned scenario is an every week phenomenon in my office...we get a load of weekly supplies in the form of chips and biscuits...and once its placed on the team leads desk the location becomes similar to a hunting ground!!! Similar stuff happens when a colleague gets some sweets from onsite and the pandemonium breaks...

There are a few Robin-Hoods amongst us...these RHs take a bunch of goods and then distribute it amongst the weak section of the office who are rather too shy to accept this insanity or too scared to enter the stampede...

Few are the Roadside Romeos...the RRs distribute it within the chicks of the office...little do they know that they are laughed at and made fun of by the same chicks!!!

The worst kinds are the Hoggers...they will stock their drawers with the goods but never ever share them...their eating habit is strange and goes on steps:

1. Check surroundings
2. Open drawer
3. Open packet with minimal or no noise (they have mastered this...when i open a biscuit packet people from next cubicle come to take a share...)
4. Return packet to drawer and close drawer
5. Check surroundings
6. Open drawer
7. Take out a biscuit as swiftly as possible and close drawer
8. Repeat steps 5 to 7 till packet is over

We all are witness of this behavior...and it doesnt really matter who is whom...

What matters is the quantity of loot victoriously brought back to the seat...and the one thing which stands true in this insanity of packet grabbing and sweet seizing is the fact: "Survival of the Fittest"

But is this junk food really keeping the software-guys fit??? does all this mad dash really worth for the trash we devour adding on the pulp around our waist???

Who cares...today i got 8 snickers, 5 twix and 3 packets of Lays!!! :o)

Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind!!!

Its kind of demeaning to categorize people...it defies the idea of all human beings being the same...but lets, for the sake of my little blog, divide them into four kinds...

• People who do things and never mention it
• People who do things and mention it in a subtle way
• People who were copyrighted by Steven Spielberg in Close Encounters of the Third Kind or the ones of RDB
• And finally, people who never do things, still brag to have done all that is ever to do.

This is my escapade with these "fourth kind" human beings...

For the sake of identity security i want to change the names here...two brothers...Junior Bragger(JB) and Senior Bragger(SB)...and I

It was an auspicious day (i thought so till midnight...) and my summer vacations were on...so we were planning for a night out at Bragger Residence...an air conditioned room was a luxury back then and none of my friends had the opportunity to relax in an AC milieu!!!

So the day went by uneventfully but the event which followed after midnight was the one where the term "You Got Screwed" made perfect sense to me :o(

After dinner we had an after meal walk and were enjoying the tranquility of the compound garden (a modest patch of grass)...when JB had a sudden and urgent attack of the High-Priority Nature's Call...so he got the keys from SB for his house and we started enjoying the now-stink-free freshness of the night breeze...

It was almost 2:30 AM & almost half an hour since JB had gone home...and when he returned he had a surprise with him...he conveniently forgot the keys at home!!! and the worst part was Bragger-brothers mom was a heavy sleeper...the kind who wont get up if she was on cloud nine amongst all kind of thunders!!!

SB was busy yelling JB while the rest of us were planning how to get back in the house...suddenly JB had his head-bulb lit...he asked me to company him to the 24 hr phone booth...so that we can call at his place and the phone (which was fortunately in Bragger-moms room) might wake her up...

However, i wasnt aware that 24 hr boards are only to show off...so now JB and I were again trying to light our respective bulbs in the darkness of hopelessness and the closed phone booth...

Again it was JB who made the darkness scarce...he had an outrageous plan of visiting the nearest police station and call from the police station...i had my own doubts about it but JBs optimism and his brag-full statements "My dad knows every other police personnel in the town" raised the bar of my hopes...

The premises of the police station were very hostile (strange...its very uneasy to approach a police station...no matter whether you are a crook or a tax-paying, all tolerating citizen) and the sight of the havaldar equally unfriendly...

The moment we saw him JB was quick enough to change the role of team leader (it was never my idea to talk with the police...and now i was here, infront of the havaldar)...the conversation with the havaldar was a blur...all i heard was we not being from a "good family" since we were roaming around at 3 in the morning and were verbally-kicked back home...without we getting a chance to represent our little problem...

When we returned, it was SBs turn to brag about his omnipresent and all knowing dad's contacts in police station and asked me to accompany him to confront the police (dont ask me why i was the lucky one to company him...AGAIN!!!)...and after reaching the police station he showed his prowess at swiftly reversing the team role...he is better than JB!!! again i found myself confronting the unreceptive havaldar...

This time he yelled pretty offensively and took us to the police station..i wonder why he never understood our out-of-this-world dilemma...

I thought Police Inspectors are busy people...especially at night..fighting crime and making the town a better place to live...but the bottle of Kingfisher and Limca changed my views drastically...he asked us in his surly manner what we were upto and quiet surprisingly he agreed to let us call at Bragger Residence...

Now guess what...the call was answered immediately with a response "Everything is fine...come home"

SB made all kinds of threatening statements which he was planning to implement with the aid of his father, once we were thrown out of the police station with our name and address noted down by the Inspector...I never got to ask SB did he ever did what he bragged about...

When we reached the building SB was furious and yelling at JB whilst JB was basking in the glory of his "idea"...apparently he turned off the electric supply to his house from the switchboard...and banged on his door...his mom woke up since the AC got swtiched off and the summer heat and her sons loud noise at the door made her wake up...

The rest of the night was spent restlessly in their house since the switch for the electric supply didnt turn ON, eluding the sweet comfort of the AC and alluring the horrifying discomfort of mosquito bites...SB and JB were "very tired" with all the "talks" they had with the police...and even though they were "Capable" of fixing the switch in a matter of minutes they didnt want to do it in the dark since they were very sleepy...

Its so funny how reasons are easy to construct for any given thing in this world!!!

Bottomline...be very aware of these kind...enough said!!!

An Act of Ragging or was it???

Ragging is appalling...especially when you are dragged into ragging some junior and then get caught in a way you could have never ever imagined or dreamt about...

In my 2nd year I was really skinny...you know someone who can’t say NO to the other guy when he is hauling you somewhere...and this is how I was dragged in this ragging scenario...

So three of my other friends caught hold of this junior and were asking him to tell some sorta joke or some story...we were in the college campus near a sitting bench standing parallel to it, me being the second in line...to my left was the perpetrator who got me into this mess...and the other two messers were on my right...I somehow felt that the guy on my right was also dragged into this by perpetrator 2 who was the first in line...and the first year guy was in front of us doing his stuff...

And outta nowhere...I realised that perp 1 was being pulled on his shoulder from behind the bench by some senior anti-ragging campaign guy...I heard something about ‘Are you guys ragging???’...and ‘It being a serious offence’...

And the rest happened in a flash...me and the guy to my right bolted towards the parking lot...someone fell with a mind numbing thud...followed by a lot of footsteps!!!

All I could hear from behind was...‘HEY WAIT UP’...‘STOP’...and all I could do was run and I became conscious that my legs were about to fall off...I reached this Tavera and ducked behind it...and then everything was QUIET!!!

I didn’t move for a while...and when I thought it was enough of whiling around I peeped from the drivers side of the car...this car was at the end of the parking lot and was all covered with dust...it must have been parked there for a while...

Then out of the blue there was a rustling sound on my left and someone totally covered in dust and cobweb fell right next to me...I almost ran without looking at him but something made me stop...it was skinny number 2!!!

Apparently he was the one who was running with me (actually behind me) and yelling WAIT UP and STOP...I asked him what exactly happened...but like me he too ran without checking out what had occurred!!!

Anyways...we straightened ourselves and made way towards the canteen...and I realised that skinny 2 was in fact whiney number 1...he started moaning that we must turn ourselves in...and get us redeemed...his idea was to barge in the principals cabin and explain him how we were yanked into the ragging!!!

I was totally convinced about this idea but somehow couldn’t see myself entering the principal’s office!!! So i asked him to shut up and we took the most-secluded-corner-table of the canteen...

Then came the call of perp 2 on whiney’s phone...he was scared shitless...and so was I...

Whiney was convinced that perp 1 and 2 were caught and they were asking us to come to their rescue...so without answering the phone he switched it OFF and asked me to do the same...which I denied...somehow neither of perp 1 or 2 had my numbers...so I didn’t think they could reach me on my cell...

We waited there for an eternity...with whiney bickering the entire eternity…and the canteen owner looking at us suspiciously since we hadn’t ordered anything and were still occupying the table when it was clearly his business time...so I got up to buy some snack to avoid being a weirdo sitting in a corner table with a guy!!!

The moment i reached the corner someone yelled my name form the other corner of the canteen...my heart skipped a beat but it caught hold of the beat when I saw who was calling me...

It was perp 1 and 2 sitting in the other most-secluded-corner-table of the canteen...somehow they had the sense to order something...anyways...I turned towards them to curse them for involving me into the muddle...whiney joined us immediately and was ready to give a piece of his mind as well....

But before we could explode on them it dawned on us that though these guys were sweaty and all…they were totally relaxed and had a smirk on their face...

Well...the explanation helped to get the grin on our faces too!!!

So let me unfold what took place...

The guy who caught perp 1's shoulder was some guy from anti-ragging committee (ARC)...the moment he caught hold of perp 1 he asked whether we were ragging...without thinking perp 1 turned around and coz he was scared to his bones he didn’t realise that the moment he turned the ARC guy stumbled across the bench...his body was thrown in an actual arc and he fell face first!!!

While this phenomenon was developing, me and whiney were running away from the scene of crime...and so were perp 1 and 2...and Mr ARC was still on his knees by the time we disappeared...the junior was never gonna identify who we were...lets just face it...no junior in his sane mind would take that risk!!!

So all in all we were safe...

And still, though being skinny, I kicked whineys ass in front of everyone in the canteen...it was a huge risk if some prof would have seen it…and still I did it!!!

WHY??? WHY???

He almost made me go to the principal and confess about something which I never did!!!

Imagine that...the princi is there minding his own business unaware of anything...and we show up saying...we are sorry sir but we were ragging a guy!!!

JUST IMAGINE!!!

A Matter of Honor!!!

Munich, a corrupt ticket collector, a hasty shopping and a conflict of conscience, what could these four terms have in common! No no...It’s not the letter “i” that is common here, but the fact that I was the common individual who was involved here; and a friend of mine who still couldn’t believe that I went through the entire thing irrespective of what happened.

It all began in 1972, when a Palestinian militant secular group called the Black September Organisation massacred 11 Israeli athletes and Steven Spielberg decided to direct this event into a film called Munich! So basically the seeds were planned since the 70’s for me to get into trouble on a Saturday of 2005, when I and a friend of mine decided to be present for the second day second show of Munich at Sterling Theatre at CST. We bought a train-ticket at Kalyan which is almost a 90 minutes ride till CST and took a little detour via Mulund where we halted for a quick shopping. The plan was to get the required collectibles from Mulund by 11:30 and reach CST by 12:30 to get the 1 pm movie.

I was so proud to have reached our destination on the pre-decided time that I started praising the perfection with which I had executed the entire manoeuvre as if I was an undercover CIA agent! Guys have a knack of doing so. However, when a hand was placed on my shoulder I realised that my cover was blown away!

The face of the owner to whom the hand belonged (which was placed on my shoulder) was that of a common man...no harm intended! But the rest of the body part which was in a black and white uniform, which makes you feel nervous on a platform even if you have the valid ticket or pass. I have a feeling that let it be the traffic cops or the ticket examiners or the police in general, they are not here to help the common man but to bother him as much as possible!

Come to think of it...who will break a signal if the traffic police will stand at the traffic light and not camouflaged behind a tree just a few metres away from the signal? Or who will not buy a train ticket and enter the platform if the TTE was in plain sight? Rather, they go the Tango-Charlie way and ambush the law-breaking citizens! Wonder who is right here!

Anyways, I am not the guilty person here, so I produced my 11 bucks train ticket to the TTE and he, after a mere glance at the ticket, asked me to accompany him! WHAT THE HELL! What did I do wrong? We were led to this group of TTE’s who had circled their prey, i.e. a group of commuters (3-4 cute babes, who made me forget about the incident a bit, 4-5 brothers in arms (or the north Indians) and 2 angry females cursing their husbands to left them on the platform without tickets). Our case was taken up by a paunchy who saw the ticket, took out a small book with a very fine print and showed a clause with a finer print.

According to these fine lines, the journey was supposed to be completed within the hour or so and that our ticket has surpassed the valid time period :o( and so I had to pay a fine of 325 bucks! I had the experience that when caught in a situation like this never confess that you are a person with a job! Always say that you are a student...they always sympathise with you! So I said so and so came the sympathy... “Gimme 150 bucks and get the hell outta here!” and so came the clash of the conscience! Is this a bribe? Should I succumb to the corruption? Is it right to do so?

But somehow I still gave him the required amount of 150 and asked him on his face for the receipt! It was now a matter of honour for me! The look on his face was worth 150,000 bucks! It was a combination of gastric attack and kick in the place which is meant to be handled with care! “You want a receipt, I will give you a receipt which you will never forgive...gimme 325 bucks and I will give you a receipt of your life!”

My friend by then slapped me into senses and asked me what the hell I was doing! He told the TTE that we don’t want any receipt and pulled me away from the scene.I started arguing with him that I would have felt better if I paid the entire amount and that he (the TTE) won’t get to keep those 150 bucks of mine for himself! I felt cheated and was very mad at my friend...who was explaining to me that the world doesn’t work like that.

Anyways...the thought of paying 175 bucks was more overwhelming than the pressure of the conscience...what the hell, I could watch the movie and buy a large popcorn! And even got to buy the Jeffery Archer novel ‘A Matter of Honour’ in those 175 bucks :o)

Joo Joo Friends!!!

The characters and incident in this blog are NOT fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely deliberate.

No offence to the heavily accented people, however, the hilarity of this incident has a basis on the accent…to be precise the Mallu enunciation! :o)

I am changing the name for identity safekeeping and let’s call this man as Mr MA (short for Mallu Accent)! And the victim as Ms. TG (it’s actually her initials...but say the short form stands for Target Group :o)

Anyways…so let’s depart from the marketing aspect of my blog and get back to the incident.

So Mr. MA decides one fine weekend morning that since he is from Kerala and new in Mumbai, he should take a tour of the city of dreams and decides to ask Ms. TG for directions. He calls her up and the conversation goes as follows:

MA : Elo Tee Gee, dis is YumAe kalling. I wand to gvo to Joooo, haaw do I gvo der?

TG: (after decoding this piece of colloquy) Where are you now? And where in Juhu?

MA: I yum yat Vaashee. How do I gvo to Joooo?

TG: (realising that there is no point in asking where in Juhu) You can take a train from Vashi to Wadala. From Wadala take a train to Andheri and then a taxi to Juhu.

MA: Thyankyu TeeGee, yiff I gyet loast I weel kall you byack!

TG: (thinking that the worst is yet to happen) ok. Bye!

Anyways, TG got back to her chores and after a cozy hour or so the pain began.

MA: (with enthusiasm oozing in his speech): TeeGee, I yum yat Joooo were are my yanimal friends?

TG: (wondering why MA is addressing his friends as animal) WHAT???

MA: I yum yat Joooo were are my yanimal friends?

TG: dude, how do I know about your friends? What are you talking about?

MA: (Losing his patience) I yum yat Joooo were are my yanimal friends. Layans, Tiegarss, Deeerr, Mongey? Were are dey?

TG: (widening her eyes as the tunnel of confusion saw a light at the other end) Are you looking for a ZOO?

A Haunting!!!

Wide eyes...scream...terror...trembling with anxiety...goosebumps...and a sudden wet feeling (due to sweat and sometimes otherwise!!!)...many of us have seen these reel and not the real expressions in countless horror movies...but to experience all of this...one-by one...slowly...to the core...is an experience of a lifetime!!!

It so happened that a certain friend of ours had an uncle who stays in Matheran...and a bunch of us (in all seven) were planning to have a night out there...it was a weekend after second semester engg exams and we were all in a jolly-good mood...

Now according to the plan, his uncle was supposed to meet us at the station and then we were to ride in his car all the way to his place...but as fate had decided we missed him at the station...with no network on our mobile phones and no other way to contact his uncle we started off towards Matheran!!!

The hike was a good experience but the hooligan behaviour of the group was a bit annoying...as a result of which no one was ready to guide us to our destination...we walked a lot and after a while i had a feeling that we might end up climbing down from the other side of the hill!!!

Nevertheless...after a lot of herding and coaxing my group to behave themselves and ask for directions we reached the bungalow at around 6:30 in the evening...the house-keeper was a huge bulky-man with red-shot eyes and a personality as well as dressing sense as that of a butcher!!!

After the introduction our host asked us whether we would have dinner there so that he can slaughter a chicken for meal!!! not many people are affected by such statements...but i did lose my appetite...anyways...i decided to suffice my hunger with dal rice...although i was so hungry i would have devoured an entire turkey...but words do have serious impact on you!!!

After the initial pleasantries he showed us to the house we were supposed to stay for the night...(i might sound a bit exaggerating...but i was scared for my life!!!) ...it was a typical tropical house with a slanting roof...the hall was not lit at all...and the one room which we were all supposed to stay for the night was dimly lit with one single bulb...

I never thought that the yellow bulb-light can be so ominous...but the yellow light did scare the jeepers out of me!!! there was one almirah in the room with a full size mirror (i would like to ask a question here...do all the ancient-carpenters worked for Ramsay???)...one huge cot which made squeaky noise...and sofa set and an old chair...all the walls were lined with bizarre looking people's photos...the room had two more doors...one was locked and the other led to a ruined porch surrounded by (what seemed to me a wild and ferocious-inhabited by werewolves- kind of jungle) a garden...the entire effect was chilling with the single bulb hanging from the ceiling!!!

We explored the bathroom and were shocked to see eerie looking worms in the water...(we learned later that they stored water for days...water shortage)...so we decided against getting freshened up or drinking water...

Three of my friends had identical zonked-expressions on their face...they looked kinda stupid with their wide eyes and gaping mouth!!! two of us were excited (wierdos)...and two of us (including me) were planning to get the hell out of there...and it was getting dark!!!

The wierdos tried to explore the rooms with loads of protests from zonked-buddies...nonetheless, they entered the hall to check the other room...i somehow thought this would be cool and followed them...i was still leaving our room to follow them and by then wierdo-one had already opened the door...there was a scream we heard from the hall when i was in the door frame of our room, about to enter the hall...

Its funny how things actually move in slow motion when you are scared...i am sure Neo was dead-scared while dodging the bullets...what else can explain the slow motion??? also its very true that sound travels very slow (not only when you compare it with light...but also when it is in disguise of a horrifying scream)...

I think i can trace the path of the scream...it must have first leaped out of the source...then travelled to my ear...gripped my heart and and played a little tussle with my knees...and then to our room!!!
Once the scream was over i was shoved and pushed back into the room by the wierdos...

Apparently, the scream was from wierdo-two who was scared to his core because he saw two bats flying out of the other room and wierdo-one was busy getting petrified because of his (wierdo-two) scream that he(wierdo-one) couldnt notice the bats...

Now the zonked-buddies were transformed to the next level of zonk-ness and had an even stupid expression on their faces...lets call the expression as that of a cry-baby...the wierdos were now zonked and were wet...with sweat!!! while the remaining two (including me) were dead sure of leaving the place...

Everyone was convinced to leave the place...and cry-babies were the first to leave the room...and they were followed by another scream...this was more chilling that the first one...

The cry-babies came running back in complaining about some graveyard they stepped on outside...the zonked-buddies (who were wierdos earlier) got into there wierdo mode and went about checking the so-called "graveyard"...

They called for us from outside and we found them laughing hysterically...the graveyard turned out as a couple of ruined toilet basins...but since they were overturned and covered with moss and grass they literally looked like graveyards...if you think about it, its actually stupid to have a graveyard in your courtyard!!!

While leaving and saying thank you to the creepy host (I was glad that we were not responsible for the chicken massacre) left the place heaving a sigh of relief!!! I did notice a ruined well in the backyard...but was in no mood for the wierdos to explore that or to witness another scream...

Luckily the roads were lit...and we found our way back to the market place by 8...not to mention, all of us were now in the hooligan-mode again :o)

And then we had a nice dinner...Chicken Tandoori!!!

Positioning a MOO point!!!

Witty comments are not easy to make. Ofcourse, it requires wit to deliver such comments and people with such a blessing are tough to find. Fortunately (or unluckily, because the wrath of such comments are also targeted at me) I am surrounded by a bunch of such people and it’s clearly a delight to be present when such moments arise.

Before I move on to such an incident, let me explain to you what a ‘MOO’ point is. I came across this term in the famous sitcom FRIENDS, in one of the rare episodes where Joey was considered to make a sensible statement. A MOO point is a Cow’s opinion, which has no significance and hence it is never counted (obviously by human beings). I liked this term a lot and hence thought of writing something about it (I hope it is not copyrighted).

Anyways, so the incident goes like this. One of my mono-syllabic friend (he actually speaks only in mono-syllables...in Marathi- Ho, Yeto, Alo, Jato, Nako , heh – a mono- laugh...so on and so forth) was talking absolute non-sense about a foreigner calling him in the early hours while he was sleeping and talking with him in a heavy accent...to be frank the story was going nowhere and Mr. Mono was still talking his head off and turning ours OFF! Realising that this fellow is not going to give us a break, one of my other friends threw a random comment stating that ‘Chunky Pandey has got a NEW HAIRSTYLE!’

Now none of us considered it as useful information, because it was as irrelevant as mono-syllabics jabbering, and we all (including mono-dude) stared at him for quite a period which made him conscious.

Finally we realised that it was a MOO point, and it had no relevance whatsoever. Who cares what hair style Chunky Pandey is wearing! But the comment was targeted at Mono so that he could stop his non-sensible yap-yap! And it really worked, coz the moment we realised what has actually happened we all were ROFL!

Now comes the best part. When you complete reading this, you will realise that the entire non-sense of 387 words was a big MOO point! I hope this word will now be registered forever in your mind. In marketing we call this registration as Positioning :oD